Mother In Law Full of Ideas?
Dear Diva,
I have been engaged to my fiancé for almost a year and we are getting married next summer. My biggest struggle with planning is listening to people’s ideas without feeling obligated to use them and without hurting their feelings. My future mother in law wants to be very involved, which is great. Unfortunately we’re not on the same page for a few key things in terms of design, colour, size etc.
I have been dreaming of this day forever and want it to be special both for us and for our families. We have a wonderful relationship with my future in laws and I don’t want to hinder that. How can I accept the opinions but not give off the vibe that I like them or leave them feeling shut down?
Amanda
Winnipeg, MB
The hardest part of wedding planning is often dealing with conflicting ideas from family members and friends. You are emotionally invested in your big day, but so are those who love you so feelings are easily hurt. The best way to avoid hurt feelings is to be honest and be respectful.
Start right away by sharing with your future mother in law your ideas and the look and feel you hope to achieve. Let her know what you’ve decided so far and what areas you still need ideas for. She will feel included and have a better idea of what you are trying to achieve. Then, when she comes to you with an idea, show her that you respect her ideas by listening and considering what she has to say. Don’t just wave her off or ignore her ideas because you are afraid you might have to say no.
Even if her ideas don’t fit with your plan, thank her for the idea and explain why it won’t work. Do not insult her ideas in anyway (It’s tacky; I don’t like it, etc). Instead, take a more subtle approach by telling her that while it’s a fantastic idea, it doesn’t really fit with the overall look or feel you are trying to achieve.
Most of the time, an honest and respectful approach is all you need. It is also important to know your priorities. Which things matter to you the most and what areas are you more willing to compromise in? Make an effort to include her in areas that are not as important to you, where you will be more likely to find a compromise you can live with.
Be Fabulous,
The Wedding Diva
I went through the same thing at my wedding, except it was my mother thinking it was her wedding, and my mother in-law had 4 boys – so I was ‘her only daughter’ so they pretty much had the say in my whole wedding. They paid for majority of it, so I didn’t really care and my mother is the type to be mad for a very long time if you tick her off in the worst way so I thought let’s make everyone happy and just let them deal with it all.
All in all it seemed to work out for me. I had a say in the main things. My mom just wanted to invite all her friends and their friends etc… and my mother in law wanted a certain flower and decorations and certain songs.
I can’t complain too much, however, my husband and I bought them each the same gift the day before the wedding and gave it to them and told them they have to read this overnight to be ‘great’ in-laws.
The book is “Mother In-Laws Manual”, by Susan Lieberman.
So – how has things been going since the Wedding Divas advice?